


Birds and the Bees and Other Atrocities, The

by ElanaBrooks



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Humor, Multi-Age
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-05-01
Packaged: 2018-03-26 13:48:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3853012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElanaBrooks/pseuds/ElanaBrooks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" Challenge (Based on the Bulwer-Lytton contest for the worst possible opening line of a story).  You have been warned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Birds and the Bees

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the HASA Transition Team: This story was originally archived at [HASA](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Henneth_Ann%C3%BBn_Story_Archive), which closed in February 2015. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in February 2015. We posted announcements about the move, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact The HASA Transition Team using the e-mail address on the [HASA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hasa/profile).

Fimbrethil reclined on the grassy sward beside which the gently babbling spring welled up, whose waters she and Treebeard had shared not long before, his golden eyes like deep pools as they gazed into hers, and as his strong limbs caressed her lissome branches, she pondered with sweet anticipation the days, or perhaps even weeks, of gradually building pleasure that lay before them, for although already her stamens ached to receive his pollen, she knew that the moment when at last that supreme bliss would be achieved would come only after Treebeard had thoroughly explored all the hidden crevices and crannies of her bark, branches and roots, rousing each leaf and twig to heights of trembling passion, for her lover was skilled and patient, and he was never, ever, hasty.  



	2. The Birds and the Bees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" Challenge. You have been warned.

“Yee-hah!” cried Sam as he leapt to the back of the charging Oliphaunt, and, sweeping Frodo up before him, thundered off toward the gates of Mordor.


	3. Anduin Valley Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" Challenge. You have been warned.

There was this princess, and her name was, like, Princess Stephanie, and she was King Aragorn and Queen Arwen’s daughter, and she was, like, _very_ beautiful, and one day she called up her boyfriend Roger, who was like, Faramir and Eowyn’s son, and she went “Oh Roger, I am _so_ bored, my parents are like, _such_ a pain, they never let me do anything _fun_ , so I was thinking maybe we could, like, go out and see a movie or go shopping or something, and then after that we could maybe sneak out to a club and dance and get wasted.”  



	4. Uncle Bilbo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" Challenge. You have been warned.

Frodo lay awake in his dark bedroom in Bag End, listening with mingled dread and anticipation for approaching footsteps, wondering if Uncle Bilbo would come again tonight and teach him more of the special games he said must always be their little secret.

_I feel like I need my brain washed out with soap for thinking of this one…_   



	5. Dragonriders of Arda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" Challenge. You have been warned.

Bard approached the wounded dragon in the lake where it had fallen after his arrow had pierced it, its eyes watching him warily, its pitiful whimpers melting his heart, and as he gazed into the whirling, faceted depths of those eyes, he knew, with wonder and amazement, that their hearts and souls would be bound together from now until forever.


End file.
